I’ve recently realised that I’ve been getting something wrong.
I thought I HAD to be strong and tough things out in life.
I’ve had difficult times over the years and I’ve always stubbornly ploughed on. I viewed myself as dead stoic and was proud of that. I even used to feel a bit smug that I could handle things like my mum dying when I was 23, while other people would crumble over relatives dying.
I’m mortified by that smugness now. I’ve realised that ‘handling’ my mum’s death was actually just pretending nothing had happened, which was a terrible way to grieve.
In recent years it’s become blindingly obvious that toughing things out is actually STUPID. Although, annoyingly, I still default to willpower to grit my way through problems.
Self compassion is surprisingly effective for overcoming blocks
On Wednesday, I had the most beautiful demonstration of how applying self compassion and self care is a far better approach to challenges.
I had a climbing coaching session with a fab lady called Katherine Schirrmacher, and instead of pushing me, she slowed everything down and we talked a lot.
Katherine wanted to understand what scares me, what my nervous system reacts to, what makes me feel safe.
We warmed up gently, doing routes that felt embarassingly easy, even ones designed for 5 year olds. We were going at a pace that was so slow, it made me desperate to speed up.
Katherine introduced small rituals that helped me feel safe – careful equipment checks, breathing and grounding. She also paid close attention to my footwork and balance to ensure I felt as secure as possible on the wall.
After each climb, Katherine offered me a hand warmer. It was a tiny thing that made me feel unexpectedly looked after, and felt pleasantly at odds with my usual brute force approach to climbing.
And guess what? Being so supported meant I climbed better. Not just technically but intelligently, calmly and creatively.
Did you know that when you’re scared, your IQ drops and your perspective narrows? You stop seeing solutions – including easy climbing moves to get you up a wall.
But when your nervous system is settled, you can think, you can adapt and you get to enjoy yourself.
Applying self compassion in my own life
Oh man, I so need to apply this to my life and stop ‘enduring’ my way through things. Paying attention to yourself and looking after yourself is a way more effective approach.
I have been practising self compassion for a few years now, but Wednesday’s climb coaching embodied how kindness to yourself gets better results. It’s not just some namby pamby, wishy washy, woo woo approach to life. Self compassion is INTELLIGENT and it works.
If you have any of your own examples of a kind, slow approach leading to a positive improvement, I’d love to hear about it.
The photo is myself and coach Katherine at Sheffield’s Awesome Walls.
Do some serious self compassion work with me
EFT is one of the most effective ways I know to learn how to be genuinely kind to yourself, not in a fluffy way, but in a way that actually shifts old patterns rooted in the past.
It helps calm the nervous system, untangles survival strategies that no longer serve you, and builds a sense of internal safety.
Here’s what my client said about working with me:
No matter what I have thrown at Katya in my sessions, we’ve been able to get results. We covered a lot of ground and as a result I feel so much more comfortable in my skin. It’s not a dramatic change, it’s really subtle, but in the areas that mean the most to me. I am absolutely hooked and totally recommend it to anyone who has done a lot of work on themselves, but are looking for that extra kick!
If you’d like to find out more, click here. And it you’d like to try an EFT session to see if it’s for you, it’s £40 for a trial hour. Email me for details.